Starcraft: Heart of the Swarm - illogical things
by Victor66
Summary: This is fanfic about the illogical things in Heart of the Swarm and how it should have ended instead. It is created for comedic purposes and shouldn t be taken seriously. There will be several chapters. Enjoy!
1. Kerrigan executed

(This is the first mission in Heart of the Swarm.)

CHAPTER ONE

James Raynor was walking towards the metal door. He wanted to meet his love, Sarah Kerrigan. He wanted to continue the ridiculous love story between them, even though it was worse than the love story of Twilight.

There were two marines in white costumes, standing in front of the door. Raynor approached them.

"Open the door, son!" commanded Raynor.

"Ask politely, Sir!" answered one of the marines.

Raynor groaned. That dude was really starting to annoy him. "Open the door, PLEASE!" said the rebel commander.

"That is better, Sir." the marine didn`t move from his post

"Well, will you open the door, now?" asked Raynor impatiently.

"Valerian`s orders, Sir. No visitors…"

"Open the door!" said Raynor angrily.

"And why should I? I should follow orders from Valerian Mengsk, not from you. Plus, I wear a battle suit, have a big weapon and have a friend who would help me and you don`t, so don`t even think about threatening me." answered the marine.

"You are right. Forgive me for wasting your time." responded Raynor and left.

"What a coward!" said the marine to his friend.

Meanwhile, Sarah Kerrigan was in her cell and was waiting for her tests to begin.

"Are you ready for your tests, Kerrigan?" asked Valerian.

"What are you hoping to achieve with those experiments, Valerian? I told you I don`t remember anything about being the Queen of Blades."

"OK, shut up now" commanded Valerian. "Do you sense the drone? Can you take control of it?"

"A drone? Are you really asking me to take control of a Zerg mind? Do you know what could happen?"

"What?" asked Valerian.

"Well, for example I might start behaving like a stupid edgy teen, make some zerglings, destroy half of the facility and endanger the lives of dozens of scientists only because I want to prove my point." answered the Ghost.

"Don`t worry, you are very trustworthy and responsible so I believe that you won`t make any zerglings. I am going to risk that like the last idiot." said Valerian.

Kerrigan used her powers to take control of the drone.

A few minutes later…

"No, stop! I didn`t ask you to make zerglings!" shouted Valerian angrily. Kerrigan had used her abilities to spawn several zerglings from larvae.

"Yes, but I decided to behave like a stupid teen and not listen to you. Now I am going to destroy your lab, destroy the defense bots and endanger the lives of many people only to prove that I can be even more irresponsible and stupid than that." answered Kerrigan with a smirk.

"OK, you are leaving me no choice then. Team Alpha, kill Kerrigan immediately!" commanded Valerian.

"What, no!" shouted Kerrigan.

A group of marines entered her room. They were holding loaded guns against her.

"Guys, I can explain…" started Kerrigan. She was shaking.

"FIRE!" shouted one of the marines.

The soldiers shot Kerrigan down.

"Excellent work, soldiers" commended them Valerian. "Now I will have to explain the situation to Captain Raynor."

"Yes, Sir."


	2. Escape from the lab

(This is an alternative ending to mission 2 from Heart of the Swarm.)

Chapter Two

James Raynor entered the room. He saw Sarah Kerrigan. The zerglings she had created had just destroyed half of the facility that costed millions of credits and had endangered the lives of the staff.

"You made a real mess down there, Sarah. The zerglings you created in the last mission are still causing us headaches. If this was a dark and realistic story like Starcraft 1, we would have executed you for not following orders, endangering the lives of so many people and destroying military equipment worth millions of credits. However, since this is a light story that doesn`t follow logic very much, and you are a Mary Sue, everything is forgiven. We are not even going to yell at you." said Raynor.

Kerrigan shrugged her shoulders. "Well, what can I say. I have teenage impulses. When are we leaving?"

"We are leaving in one hour. Just enough time for someone to attack our base." answered Raynor.

"OK. That sounds great."

An hour later…

The Dominion forces have attacked the facility. They nearly managed to kill Kerrigan but she survived.

"Raynor, do you read me?" asked Valerian.

"We read you." responded Sarah Kerrigan.

"Kerrigan, I am glad that you are alive but we are cut off from your location. You are going to have to fight through."

"Can`t we simply push the Dominion back?" asked Raynor.

"We could have done it if we had defense bots. However, your girlfriend has destroyed them all in the last mission." answered Valerian with annoyance.

Raynor looked angrily at Kerrigan. "What the hell is wrong with you, woman?"

"I am a Mary Sue so there can`t be anything wrong with me." answered Kerrigan.

"All right. Let`s go!" said Raynor.

"Wait a second. Something is amiss here." said Kerrigan.

"Yes?"

"Why would Mengsk attack us? He knows that his son had taken half of his fleet and he still attacks him even though he would lose most of his ships. Why didn`t Mengsk just use his charisma and diplomatic skills to fix his relationship with Valerian and convince him to hand us over to him and to win him on his side?" asked Kerrigan.

"Because Blizzard have gotten lazy and have decided to turn my father from a charismatic, pragmatic and intelligent villain into an unpleasant and dim-witted evil tyrant that can`t even control the speeches of his own reporters from the UNN. If this was a realistic story, Kate Lockwell would have been executed or at least sent to New Folsom for constantly ruining my father`s public image." answered Valerian.

"That actually makes sense." said Kerrigan.

"Ok, if you two are done talking, let`s go." commanded Raynor.

A few minutes later…

Raynor, Kerrigan and a group of Umojans have reached a blocked corridor.

"Valerian, can you open the corridor?" asked Raynor.

"I can. Be ready though. The Zerg specimens got loose in the attack." answered Valerian.

"Yes, I can sense them down there. But I don`t think I should control them again." said Kerrigan.

"No, you SHOULD control them because you MADE THEM in the last mission. And now you expect us to clear your mess." shouted Raynor.

"No, I shouldn`t…" started Kerrigan.

"That is a typical behavior for Mary Sues. They constantly try to shift the responsibility to others." said one of the Umojans.

"All right, all right. I will do it." surrendered Kerrigan.

"The door will open in three, two, one!" said Valerian and nothing happened.

Raynor cleared his throat. "Excuse me, but wasn`t this door supposed to open?"

"Yes, but I have a technical problem here. You should wait until we fix it. It could take up to ten minutes." said Valerian.

Everybody groaned.

Ten minutes later…

The door opened and there were many zergling on the other side. Kerrigan took control of them all. Then she used them against the Dominion forces and killed them.

"See, wasn`t that hard." said Raynor.

They reached the tram and got into it.

"Just you and me now, Jim. Let`s move out." said Kerrigan.

"Technically you are not right." corrected her one of the six Umojans. "We will be escorting you."

"OK." said Kerrigan and shot down the six Umoan marines. "Now I am technically correct."

The tram left with Jim and Sarah on it.

They reached Raynor`s shuttle but there was a giant Viking in front of it.

"Archangel in position. I have got the shuttle bay secured. All Dominion forces, push forward." said the Viking.

"Jim, the Archangel is between us and your shuttle." said Kerrigan and crossed the bridge but Raynor didn`t.

The Archangel fired a rocket that hit the bridge and destroyed it, leaving Kerrigan and Raynor separated from one another.

"Do you really think you could defeat me?" asked the pilot of the Archangel turning against Kerrigan. "You are just a Ghost with a rifle and some psionic abilities and I am in a gigantic war machine."

"Yes, but I have something far more powerful than your machine. I have a plot armor from Blizzard." said Kerrigan and killed the poor Archangel pilot even though it was completely illogical.

Then, she contacted Raynor.

"Hurry up, Jim! I think another wave is incoming."

"Sarah, I am cut off! I can`t get to your location. Take my ship and go!"

"We just found each other again. I am not leaving you behind." answered Kerrigan.

"Raynor, Kerrigan. I am on the Hyperion. We are setting course for the rendezvous. What is your status?"

They explained the situation to him.

"Kerrigan, why don`t you just fly over the broken bridge with the ship and pick up Raynor?" one of the unknown officers of the Hyperion had suddenly interrupted their conversation.

"We hadn`t though about it." admitted Kerrigan, Raynor and Valerian.

"Am I the only character in Starcraft 2 that has more than two fully functioning brain cells?" asked the unknown officer.

Kerrigan took the ship and flew over the bridge. She was going to pick up Jim.

Meanwhile, one of the walls exploded and Nova appeared from behind it.

Jim Raynor was really surprised. "Nova!"

"Well, well, Jim Raynor! If you had helped me with my Tosh problem I might have looked the other way while you got out. But you chose poorly." said the hot Ghost.

"No, you would have done no such thing. You would have still shot. I have read the script for this mission." answered Raynor.

"I want to ask you something, Nova. How come you are one of the main characters in Starcraft 2, even though you appear only TWO TIMES in the entire game?" asked Raynor.

"Because Blizzard are trying to push the feminist propaganda." said Nova.

"And another question. Why didn`t you bring back-up with you?" asked Raynor.

"Because I have to show what a badass feminist so I operate alone even though I have an entire army at my disposal."

"OK. Now I am going to stay and wait for you to shoot me even though I could use my weapon to kill you while you are talking." said Raynor.

"Fine by me."

Then, suddenly, Kerrigan hit Nova with the ship and killed her on spot.

"Let`s go!" she said.

Kerrigan and Raynor got into the shuttle and took off from the bay. However, several Dominion battlecruisers prevented them from escaping. They were placed to make a blockade over the planet and to foil any escape attempt. They destroyed their ship and killed both Raynor and Kerrigan.


	3. Modern feminist values

(An alternative ending to the third chapter in Heart of the Swarm)

Kerrigan becomes evil again

Kerrigan was flying with Jim`s ship and was heading towards the rendezvous point. She was very worried about Jim. She hoped that he was ok.

Kerrigan was flying with the speed of light. Stars and planets were passing instantly around her and were turning into unrecognizable flashes.

Finally, she reached the Hyperion. There were also several other smaller battlecruisers next to it. This was the rendezvous point.

Kerrigan landed in the hangar and headed towards the command bridge. There she saw Matt Horner. "Where is Jim?" she asked him.

"We couldn`t get him out." Answered Valerian Mengsk who had appeared out of the blue.

"Valerian! I am starting to have teenage impulses again, so I am going to start choking you and try to kill you." said Kerrigan and started choking Valerian with her psionic powers.

Two Umojan marines tried to stop her, but she lifted them with her telekinesis in the air and threw them across the hall.

Then, several Dominion ships warped in and started to shoot at the Hyperion and the other battlecruisers.

"How did these ships manage to find us? Blizzard didn`t give any explanation, at all." said Matt Horner.

"Please, somebody, help me!" grunted Valerian with clenched teeth. Kerrigan was still choking him. "She is going to kill me!"

"Hm, maybe I should call the security guard. She is really going to kill him." thought Matt Horner. "But I will not interfere because Kerrigan is a Mary Sue and the main character and everything she does is right and I shouldn`t question her."

"Defensive maneuver Delta-Four! Prep all stations for jump!" commanded Horner.

Kerrigan heard him and released Mengsk.

"No one is going anywhere until I see Jim!" shouted Kerrigan.

Matt Horner slapped his face. How could Kerrigan be that stupid.

"Kerrigan, do you realize that if we stay here we are all going to die and you will never see Jim? How could you be that stupid?" asked Horner.

"You bitch!" shouted Valerian Mengsk and stared angrily at Sarah Kerrigan. "You could have killed me."

Kerrigan shrugged her shoulders. "Yes and who cares? In modern media, female-on-male violence is perfectly acceptable while male-on-female violence is demonized. Long live the third wave feminism!"

Meanwhile Matt Horner was trying to contact the Dominion fleet.

"Dominion fleet, this is Hyperion. Cease fire." said Horner. "Crown Prince Valerian is aboard!"

"That won`t help." said Valerian. "Blizzard have turned my father into a one-dimensional, evil, dim-witted tyrant in order to redeem Sarah Kerrigan. He will not hesitate to kill me."

And indeed, the Dominion attacks continued. The shields of the Hyperion were starting to fall.

"We have to jump now!" Matt Horner turned against Sarah Kerrigan. "We will lead them away and circle back for Jim."

"Actually, that is the most reasonable thing to do in this situation, however, I am going to behave like a stupid teen again and go seek Jim on my own." said Kerrigan and left.

She got into her ship, started the engines and flew away. The Dominion ships didn`t notice her and didn`t try to shoot her down because she had plot armor.

Then, she received a transmission from Horner.

"Kerrigan, before we jumped, Hyperion tracked multiple Dominion signatures headed down to the surface. You could have a surprise party down there."

"OK, I will investigate these signatures even though I should search for Jim and he is certainly not on the surface of the planet and I still don`t know anything about the existence of the Drakken Pulse Cannon." said Kerrigan and descended on the planet.

A few moments later Kerrigan discovered a zerg Hivecluster and a Dominion base with the Drakken Pulse Cannon.

"Ok, I am lucky that there are Zerg nearby. I could use them to destroy the cannon." said Kerrigan and landed in the Zerg base.

Kerrigan could sense a mind of great psionic power. "I can sense a mind controlling this brood. Who are you?"

"My queen, I am Naktul, a broodmother. You destroyed the cerebrates and created us to reinforce the third wave feminist propaganda. Have you returned to us?" replied a voice.

"I am not your queen and I haven`t returned but I need your army to destroy the Terran cannon, right now."

"Very well. For some reason I haven`t done it myself even though I have more than enough Zerg to destroy the whole base. I was waiting for your arrival because you are the Chosen one and we can`t do anything without you." said Naktul.

"Most of my brood is with me. I will send them to you but it will take time." continued the broodmother.

"Very well." answered Kerrigan.

A few hours later the Zerg had arrived and had destroyed the Cannon.

"The gun is destroyed! The terrans are fleeing to their ships!" announced Naktul.

"Kill them all. No one gets out alive." commanded Kerrigan, the character destined to save the entire universe from evil.

"Wait a minute. Aren`t you supposed to be the good character? The Chosen one who later in the story ascends into a Xel`Naga?" asked Naktul.

"Yes."

"But this doesn`t make any sense. You are behaving just like a villain." said Naktul.

"Yes, but I am a woman and I can do whatever I want according to the third wave feminist values. In modern media women can never be evil and are always presented as benevolent creatures even if they wipe out the populations of entire planets…"

"Oh, just shut up!" said Naktul and impaled Kerrigan on her pointed limbs. "I, too, could be the savior of the entire Universe by the same logic. I am a woman, too."

After the death of Sarah Kerrigan, Naktul became the new queen of the Swarm. She gathered all of the scattered broods, defeated Amon, saved the whole Universe and ascended into a Xel`Naga. This doesn`t make any sense, right? No, it doesn`t, but it still makes more sense than Sarah Kerrigan being the main hero and the most benevolent character in the entire Universe, getting scot free for her many crimes and being rewarded with becoming an omnipotent goddess.


	4. Happy End

Chapter Four

Happy end

Sarah Kerrigan got into her ship. She checked something on the computer screen and then sighed.

"Jim are you on this frequency? Jim are you out there? I am at the rendezvous! It is all clear here..." she continued with her romantic speech, that none of the players cared about, for another two minutes.

Then she suddenly heard a noise behind her. That scared her very much. Kerrigan immediately turned around and took her gun. She aimed at the unknown.

A zergling appeared out of the dark. It bowed before Kerrigan. Despite this fact, for some reason Kerrigan didn`t drop her weapon.

Then, the UNN news started on the TV.

"We interrupt your regularly scheduled programme to bring you this news." started Kate Lockwell. "Firstly, Emperor Arcturus Mengsk has finally decided to fire me from the UNN for constantly ruining his public image and exposing his secrets. I will spend the rest of my life in New Folsom prison. It seems that the Emperor is not as stupid and dim-witted as Blizzard made him out to be."

Kerrigan rolled her eyes. She didn`t care about that.

"The second important news is that the Dominion Security forces have captured James Raynor yesterday. He was briefly interrogated but he wasn`t executed later. For some reason Mengsk didn`t execute him on the spot, but let him live instead even though he had no reason to do so at that point of the story. After all, the romantic relationship between Raynor and Kerrigan has to continue." continued Kate Lockwell.

"Kate! What the hell are you doing? You exposed the secrets of Emperor Mengsk AGAIN!" shouted Donny Vermillion at her.

Kerrigan shut off the television. She started to think the situation through.

She then set a coarse for the Zerg space and went there.

Kerrigan had a plot armor and so the Leviathan didn`t immediately destroy her Terran ship as soon as it saw it.

The Ghost landed her ship inside the huge Zerg organism. She saw a strange, female creature, attached to the ceiling of the Leviathan itself.

"What are you?" asked Kerrigan.

"I am Izsha. Your Majesty kidnapped me as a little girl and turned me into Zerg and you are still somehow the hero of this story. Do you not remember me?" said the creature.

"Yes, I do remember you but more importantly - no one cares about you or your backstory because you are very boring. The cerebrates were far more interesting than you"

"As you say, my Queen."

"Now, I want to attack Korhal and kill billions of innocent people even though I am supposed to be the hero and I no longer have the justification of being under Zerg influence." said Kerrigan.

"The Swarm is in disarray and will not answer your call. Most Zerg on alder are under the command of broodmother Nafash. She seeks to create her own Swarm." said Izsha.

"OK, take us down on the surface."

Several minutes later Kerrigan entered the Evolution Pit and met a really ugly creature there.

"What are you?" asked Kerrigan.

"Abathur, Zerg version of Swann from Wings of Liberty. Improve Zerg Swarm and serve you."

"I am the Queen of Blades." said Kerrigan.

"Your flesh weak. Can improve. Make it better." Abathur approached the Ghost.

"Don`t touch me even though I will change my appearance later in the story and become Zerg again." said Kerrigan.

"Makes sense." answered Abathur

A few minutes later, Kerrigan was chatting with Izsha.

"Tell me about this Leviathan."

"It is the organism from which you command the Swarm. And this is its nerve center."

"And it can take me to any world I wish?" asked Kerrigan.

"Of course, my Queen. But our numbers are few. Before conquering other worlds, you may wish to reclaim your forces here on Kaldir." said Izsha.

"Leave the strategy to me!" commanded Kerrigan.

"Hay, bitch, my job is to advise you. If you don`t need my services, just let me retire on an exotic planet with nice beaches." said Izsha angrily.

"All right, all right. I am sorry, Izsha." said Kerrigan.

A few moments later, Kerrigan and four zerglings were on the surface of Kaldir.

"There are flash freeze storms on this planet." said Izsha. "One such storm is approaching. It will push temperatures down so fast that almost all thermal energy will be lost. The storm will pass quickly but your troops and you will be frozen."

"Wait a minute. If temperatures suddenly drop fast and most of my thermal energy is los, then this means that I will die because of hypothermia, right?" shouted Kerrigan with really terrified expression.

"Ah… I… I hadn`t thought about it." admitted Izsha.

"Izsha, you are the most useless advisor in the history of the Universe." shouted Kerrigan angrily.

"I am just kidding." said Izsha.

"So there are no flash freeze storms here, right?" asked Kerrigan with hope in her voice.

"No, there are. I left out this little detail on purpose because I wanted to take revenge on you for turning me into Zerg. Oh, and by the way, a flash freeze storm is approaching you. Since you won`t be needing my services any longer, I am going to retire on an exotic planet with nice beaches. Bye, bye! Have a nice day!" said Izsha and left.

"No, no, no!" shouted Kerrigan.

Then, the flash freeze storm arrived and froze Kerrigan and her four zerglings. They died because of hypothermia.

Izsha was now finally free to retire.

A few hours later, after the storm had stopped, three Protoss warriors found the five bodies. The corpses of Kerrigan and the four zergling were stuck inside a giant block of ice. The female Ghost and her warriors looked very terrified in their final moments.

All the Protoss started to laugh. Then, they transported the icy block to their base. When the Protoss on Shakuras found out about the death of Sarah Kerrigan, they started to cheer and celebrate. The Protoss colony on Kaldir survived and Kerrigan didn`t manage to kill billions of innocent creatures. Happy end!


	5. the Golden Armada

(Sarah Kerrigan commits one of the most heinous crimes – she infests a female Protoss with a parasite and then lets the parasite eat its host from the inside. However, the Golden Armada will avenge her.)

The Golden Armada

Sarah Kerrigan somehow managed to survive the flash freeze storms because she had plot armor. She found a frozen hive cluster of Zerg and said.

"Nafash`s brood! The Protoss must have wiped them out!"

"No, my Queen! The Protoss have not wiped them out because they have read the script and know that you must take control of them." Corrected Izsha.

It was true. The Zerg were indeed not wiped out. They were just frozen.

"I will awaken this hive cluster for the Swarm." Said Kerrigan and awakened this hive cluster for the Swarm.

"The Protoss sensed the awakening! They are aware of our presence!" Said Izsha.

"The Queen of Blades!" Spat a Protoss voice. "We somehow manage to recognize you even though you don`t look like her at all."

"I am not the Queen of Blades." Said Sarah Kerrigan.

"Really?" Asked the Protoss Executor.

"No, just kidding! I have done my work here and I can leave your planet before you call your Golden Armada. However, I am a real bitch, so I will wipe you all out." Said Kerrigan with an evil grin.

"Wait a minute! Aren`t you supposed to be the good guy… gal of this story?" Asked the Protoss.

"Yea, but females these days can do whatever they want. Third Wave, baby!"

"We must inform Shakuras." Said the Executor. "However, Kerrigan has plot armor and so we can`t simply contact our planet. We have to use psi-link spires that take an eternity to start functioning. And for some reason we haven`t developed any technology to protect us from flash freeze storms even though we have been living on this moon for some time."

"OK." Said Kerrigan.

…

After a whole decade the Protoss still hadn`t made contact with Shakuras because their psi-link spires were terrible. Finally, Kerrigan managed to destroy them. The Protoss had to retreat.

"The spires have fallen!" Shouted the Executor. "Kerrigan`s plot armor is too strong. Retreat!"

…

Later, Kerrigan returned to her Leviathan and saw a female Protoss that was tied up by tentacles coming from the walls of the creature. Izsha greeted her.

"My Queen! We have captured a prisoner in the wastes and subdued her."

"I didn`t order you to take prisoners because I am now good and I want to kill everyone." Said Kerrigan.

"Abathur wants to dissect her." Answered Izsha.

"Actually, keep her alive for now. She might serve as a deus ex machina later in the story." Ordered Kerrigan. Then she turned towards Lasarra. "What are your people doing here?"

"We studied this moon to see if its rotation can be altered, its climate improved." Answered the female Protoss. "Do you understand? We are only colonists, and you are killing us."

"Yes, and if I let you live, you will call your Golden Armada and they will kill me even though I could leave your moon at any time go wherever I want without the Golden Armada being able to track me." Answered Kerrigan.

"Kill thousands to save yourself!" Lisarra`s eyes narrowed in a just anger. "Is that how you justify this?"

"I justify nothing. There is no moral high ground here. Your people have killed billions of violent and mindless creatures who tried to annihilate the entire galaxy while I am murdering billions of innocent Terran and Protoss just because I can. That means we are both killers." Said Sarah Kerrigan.

"Do you realize that you are a hypocrite?" Asked Lisarra. "Your justifications and arguments are very weak."

"Well, it doesn`t matter." Kerrigan shrugged her shoulders.

Later, Kerrigan killed even more innocent Protoss and destroyed their shuttles because she is good now.

Upon returning to the Leviathan Izsha informed her of an interstellar ship on the other side of the moon that was preparing for launch.

"It is not yet ready for launch but it will be before we can get to it." Added Izsha.

"Why can`t we just move the Leviathan to the other side of the moon, then?" Asked Sarah Kerrigan.

"Because according to the script there should three Kaldir missions, not two. We should use the female Protoss we have captured as a plot device." Said Izsha.

"All right!"

…

Kerrigan approached Lisarra.

"One of your ships escaped."

"Then you need only await the Golden Armada. Your death will be swift."

"I am sorry." Said Kerrigan while creating a parasite with her hands.

"For what? Slaughtering my people?" Asked Lisarra.

"For being a real bitch." Said Kerrigan and injected her with the parasite.

"No, no, no!" Shouted Lisarra.

"Now I am going to act like a real villain and expose my entire plan to you even though you will die in a few minutes." Said Sarah Kerrigan. "Your friends on that ship can sense. They know they left one behind. But they can`t warp you to their ship, because I am blocking them. But if I drop the veil…"

"Do not warp me in, Templar! Do not!" Cried the Protoss while her body was being warped in.

"Well, I have just committed one of the most heinous crimes in Starcraft." Said Kerrigan.

…

On the Protoss ship the larva had just killed its host. However, several cameras recorded that. The Protoss saw this and immediately sent a few warriors to kill the Zerg larva. After they did it, they went to Shakuras and informed Artanis about everything. Artanis sent the Golden Armada after Sarah Kerrigan. They managed to track her down and capture her. After that, Sarah Kerrigan stood a trial on Shakuras, was found guilty and was executed for her crimes.


	6. In the belly of the Ancient One

(Sarah Kerrigan tries to awaken the Ancient One because she hopes that he would help her. However, the plan backfires on her as the Ancient One has no reason to help her.)

In the Belly of the Ancient One

Sarah Kerrigan was on her Leviathan with a Zergling. She was the good guy… um, gal of the story, the main hero destined to save the Universe. Kerrigan had done many good deeds – she had killed Aldaris, killed the Protoss Matriarch, betrayed the Terran and Protoss, killed Edmund Duke and Finix, destroyed the entire UED fleet, destroyed an entire Protoss settlement on Kaldir and destroyed the Dominion forces on Char.

Then, suddenly, she saw a shadow that was transforming into a Protoss.

"Zeratul!" Kerrigan narrowed her eyes.

It was indeed Zeratul.

"Wait a minute! How do you remember me?" Asked Zeratul. "You said in the very first mission of this campaign that you didn`t remember anything about being that Queen of Blades."

"Well, I have a loss of memory when it suits me." Said Kerrigan and attacked Zeratul for no reason.

She punched the Protoss Prelate in the chest. Kerrigan then continued to punch him and kick him mercilessly. Zeratul didn`t try to fight back because he knew that Kerrigan was a Mary Sue and because he didn`t want to get charged with physical abuse (when a woman attacks a man and he fights back, he usually gets charged with physical abuse). Long live the Third Wave Feminism!

Kerrigan, after beating the crap out of Zeratul, approached him.

"What do you want?" Asked Kerrigan. She grabbed Zeratul by the shoulder and prepared to hit him again.

"First, I want an apology from you. An apology for murdering our Matriarch and killing many Protoss." Said Zeratul

"An apology! From me!" Kerrigan blinked. "No way!"

"Alright, then I want you to get your hand off me." Continued Zeratul.

Sarah Kerrigan did this.

"OK. Now that we have a mutual understanding, I want to tell you something." Started Zeratul. "I saw some stupid prophecy that said you would save the Universe and so I decided to help you obtain the power of Zerus, the birthplace of the Zerg."

"Well, Zeratul, I am glad you didn`t grab my head with your palm to show me some vision of Zers because that would have been very stupid of you." Said Sarah Kerrigan.

"I agree." Answered Zeratul.

…

Kerrigan and Zeratul were later walking among the jungles of Zerus.

"The power of Zerus called you here." Said Zeratul without any reason.

"No, my convenient plot armor called me here." Answered Sarah Kerrigan.

"You must let Zerus remake you, Kerrigan! The final war nears!"

"I don`t have to do a damn thing. I will not be a pawn in your prophecies." Said Kerrigan. "Why are you helping me, Zeratul? You have more cause to hate me than most but I still won`t apologize to you or thank you for your help because I am a real bitch."

"Because Blizzard have turned you into a huge Mary Sue and I have to save your ass." Answered Zeratul. "I act for the good of Blizzard and so I am saving their script. Though it earns me the hatred of my own people."

"Spare me your self-pity. Everyone has to make peace with their own choices except me because I am the biggest Mary Sue." Said Kerrigan.

"I have made my peace long ago. When we are done here, I will return to my people and accept their judgement." Answered Zeratul.

"We all have to pay for our actions someday." Said Kerrigan. "Except me, of course!"

…

A few minutes later Sarah Kerrigan and Zeratul were still standing there.

"I sense something." Said Kerrigan. "An ancient consciousness… sleeping."

"The Ancient One. A primal Zerg who witnessed the creation of the Overmind."

"And why is he sleeping?" Asked Kerrigan.

"Because he went over with the sleeping pills and now he can`t awaken." Answered Zeratul.

"Oh!"

"Yes, and now you have to awaken him from his slumber." Added Zeratul.

Suddenly, Izsha interrupted their conversation. "My Queen, enemy primals are gathering nearby. They are going to attack us."

"They wish to stop you from speaking with the Ancient One. What will you do?" Asked Zeratul.

"What my enemies fear most. Always." Said Kerrigan.

"You are on the right path. You will become an even bigger mass murderer than before." Nodded Zeratul in consent. "You will not see me again, Kerrigan." Then Zeratul disappeared.

"That is not true." Said Kerrigan. "I will see you in the first mission of the prologue of Legacy of the Void."

"Yes, but I wanted to sound a bit more dramatic." Answered the voice of Zeratul.

Kerrigan shrugged her shoulders and left. She had a battle to lead.

…

A few moments later Sarah Kerrigan and her Zerg were near a gigantic, ugly head that was peeping from the ground. Its mouth was huge and full of sharp teeth.

"So this is the Ancient One!" Said the female Ghost.

"To awaken this creature, we must feed it." Said Izsha.

"Wait a minute!" Sarah Kerrigan shouted angrily. "This doesn`t make any sense!"

"Why?" Asked Izsha.

"If we throw pieces of meat in the throat of the Ancient One WHILE HE IS SLEEPING, won`t we kill him?" Asked Kerrigan. "I mean; he could choke on the food we are giving him."

"Because the game works that way." Answered Izsha.

"And how come these primals even stand a chance against us?" Asked Sarah Kerrigan. "They were stuck on this planet for millennia and are split into many packs who fight each other while we are more evolved, control many planets and we are relatively united."

"OK. I will command the Swarm to conquer this entire planet immediately." Said Izsha and gave the order to all Zerg.

"Very good! Now let`s feed the Ancient One and awaken him!" Commanded Kerrigan.

A few minutes later the Ancient One was awake. Sarah Kerrigan was standing in front of him with a rifle in her hands. She was very scared by his appearance alone. Even his smallest toe was bigger than her entire body. She was starting to wonder if her plan to awaken him was a good idea after all.

"Ancient One! I am here for the power of Zerus. I will sacrifice anything to achieve my goal. You will help me." Demanded Kerrigan.

"And why should I?" Asked the Ancient One. "I have no reason to help you."

"Because… we fed you."

"Don`t you know that you shouldn`t feed someone while they are sleeping?" Asked the Ancient One angrily. "You could have killed me!"

"I…" Started Kerrigan and stepped back.

"However, I am still hungry and you look very delicious." Said the giant Zerg and grabbed Sarah Kerrigan in his palm.

"No, no, no! Let me go!" Cried Kerrigan and tried to free herself but to no avail.

The Ancient One devoured her whole and then licked his lips. A strong burp came from his mouth.

"That was very tasty!" He said.

"Let me go, you filth!" Kerrigan`s voice could be heard from the belly of the Ancient One. "It is very dark and slimy here. And it reeks."

"Of course it reeks. This is my stomach, not a five-star hotel." Answered the Ancient One.

"And what are these disgusting things here?" Asked Kerrigan.

"Oh, these are probably the bits of quillgor meat that are being digested along with you." Answered the gigantic Zerg.

This really terrified Sarah Kerrigan.

All of the Zerg laughed when they heard that. They abandoned Sarah Kerrigan and left the planet under the leadership of Zagara.

When Zeratul heard her screams, he was very glad that Sarah Kerrigan had finally gotten what she deserved. His entire plan was to lure her to this jungle planet and to tell her to awaken the Ancient One so that he may eat her. The Ancient One had no reason to help her, after all.


End file.
